2.23.2005

Me - Baby = Bliss? Insanity? Longing?

I am sitting in a hotel room in San Francisco, eating the welcome chocolates placed on my hotel bed from our meeting host, deciding whether I should go shopping, or relax and then stop by the complementary wine and cheese hour in the hotel lobby. The hour includes a tarot reading and a chair massage. I think that compared to the last nine months, I will have plenty of time to relax on this work trip over the next few days. I will have uninterrupted sleep. I will not have to change dirty diapers or breathe through stinky ones while my beloved baby works hard to complete his dirty diaper masterpiece. I will not have to carry anything heavier than my laptop during the day. I will be able to take my time getting ready in the morning, I can dawdle while shopping, I can enjoy every sip of a fine wine and every morsel of a luxurious meal without worrying about being interrupted or watching the clock. My first business trip away from Boo is a relaxing vacation getaway - at least, in my mind, so far.

But the damn thing is, I miss my baby. I miss holding him. I miss kissing him. I miss tickling him and hearing his awesome let loose laughter. I miss seeing him smile and smile and smile.

Hmm. So I have decided. I am going shopping – quickly – and then I am enjoying the wine and cheese reception. Best of both worlds. Which means, I’ve gotta run!

---And later on....----

It’s past midnight now. I haven’t stayed out this late since well before Boo was born. Oddly enough, I am feeling pretty awake right now. I just set my wake up call for 6:45 am and I am looking forward to six hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Luckily for me, there are two women on this trip who are also new moms, and this trip is also their first time away from baby. One has an eight month old daughter, and the other woman’s son just turned one. I think we are all doing okay so far. We have enjoyed many many, ahem, many glasses of wine and cocktails. We’re talking about work, which we all love, and we’re in our non-mommy element. It’s wonderful.

As much as I am enjoying my time so far, I think that many people still don’t understand how hard it is to leave one’s child for longer than a few hours. I hate it. If I could bring Boo with me everywhere, all the time, without his presence changing anything, I would do it. He is part of me, and I am responsible for him. When we are apart, he is every other thought. I actually feel him with me even when we are physically apart.

If this entry seems rather Jekyll and Hyde-ish to you, then I say welcome to Mommyhood. It is a paradoxical existence. It is possible to have all of these opposing emotions at the same time, at such extremes, and be in harmony. I love my son, and I love being Mommy, but I am also Me, and I love Me time. I just wish Me time could also include him as well.

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