4.14.2005

Selfishly guilty

I have been feeling a bit selfish these days. Maybe it’s because I’ve been feeling more confident about mommyhood. Maybe because I’m caught up in the rush of being in a new house and being in a good place with work. Maybe I just miss a few things I’ve set aside the past few months because of being a new mom and am itching to reacquaint myself with them. Things like shopping, working on extra projects, going out with friends sans child. Maybe it’s just Spring Fever.

Whatever it is, it’s making me feel a bit guilty. I recently bought two dresses online (during those fleeting moments I could actually get online from home – see previous post for that rant). Two. Not just one. And there are so many cute, girly girl dresses out there in the Spring lines now! So tempting. I gave in. I felt pretty guilty buying them. Then I realized that a) I really don’t have outfits for those special occasions right now, b) I chose dresses that are appropriate for many different occasions, and c) I haven’t bought a dress since 2002. The one dress I do have that would work for all occasions I’ve already had to sew one of the straps back on once (no exciting sexy tale behind that – the strap just broke because I was moving too much – sorry). And I’ve worn it to way too many weddings, bridal showers, work, blah blahs in the past three years that it’s time is up.

I’ve also been itching to just spend more time on the projects outside of work and outside of being a mom that make me happy. I love to make cards, to write, to paint, to visit galleries and museums, to volunteer, to read, to help friends with their projects. It’s hard to spend time on those things and not feel guilty. That is time taken away from being with my family. Time I could spend doing our bills, the laundry, the dishes, playing with the dogs (ok, none of those are really fun except for the last one). Time on everyone else, which is way more important than spending time just for me.

Bad mama. I am feeling selfish, and in between the bouts of horrible, stomach-turning guilt, I know deep down that I have to spend time for me. I have to do things for me, and not for the Mom or the Wife or the Employee. Just Me. Maybe I am itching to do all of those silly, selfish, frivolous things because deep down I worry that I am losing myself. Who I was/am outside of those other titles. As much as I love my son and my husband, part of me, I think, is fighting and rebelling to stay Me. The part of me that doesn’t belong to anyone else, that no one else can claim. And of course, that thought makes me feel terribly guilty.

I wonder if the guilt will ever end. Think it will end before the end of the month? I have a gift certificate for a spa pedicure that a friend gave me last April for a baby shower…it expires in May. I’ve had it for a year and have felt too guilty to use it…

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