12.20.2005

Pre-Mama days

There once was a girl who was an overachieving rebel. She wore black all the time, listened to The Cure and Nine Inch Nails, and stayed out really late downtown with friends drinking pots of coffee like they were filled with water. She delighted in doing things she was told that she couldn't do because she was a girl, because she was Asian, or because she was already doing too many things and she was "spreading herself too thin." She had friends from all walks of life; protested wars, corporate America, and crimes against the environment; moved 3,000 miles away from everything she knew to drink a lot and smoke a little of this and a little of that; changed her hairstyle every few months; and coveted beautiful tattoos.

Flash forward about 10-15 years later, and the mirror reflects a different sort of girl. One who is no longer a girl but in her mind not really a woman. A half girl/half woman who lives in the suburbs of all suburbs, drives a gas guzzling SUV, likes to wear high heels with jeans, and who is in her comfy flannel pajamas by 7 and in bed by 11. She hasn't had a haircut in six months and hasn't had it colored (especially a bold color) since the birth of her child, has a wardrobe that is strangely full of color, and she listens to mainstream music like The Killers and John Mayer.

This morning it just hit me: where did all of my black clothes go? Did they vanish once we moved back to the burbs, or with the birth of my child? I'm dangerously close to wearing sweats outside of the house sometimes, and instead of riveting nonfiction political, historical or womens studies books, I just found myself online ordering a mindless book by the author of the Shopaholics girly girl series. I find myself longing for a facial and singing Chicken Dance Elmo songs in my head as I work. Who IS this girly girl and what has she done with the old me?

I think I will always be a little bit of a rebel, but a more tempered and thoughtful one now, if that's not an oxymoron for you. I also think I've always had a bit of the suburbanite domestic goddess wife role always in me. I still long for a tattoo, but know that a sassy little dragon will look ridiculous when I'm a grandma, and there's no way I'm getting a stupid cutsey flower or something so tiny no one can see it. I will still fight the good fight when the cause is important to me and my family, but I now know a little more about how government and business works, and know to choose my battles wisely. I still listen to Nine Inch Nails and Rage Against the Machine, but now that Boo is getting older and understanding the words, I usually just listen to them on my iPod instead of in the car. I admit to loving being a domestic goddess, but in part because it's the antithesis of what some family members expected of me, so there.

I also admit to loving this life, this peaceful boring suburban life, because I am blessed with such amazing family and friends and am happier than I have ever been. Someday I will tell my son stories of the old me, pre-baby, once he's old enough to understand that mama was once a crazy kid too. He'll still probably think I am a lame old woman who wears lame old woman clothes and listens to old fogey music, because I'm his mom and I likely will by then be a lame old woman (I'm headed there already), but c'est la vie. I have my memories, for which I am grateful, but I love the new ones I'm making too.

PS-at least my husband will be going down Old Fogey lane with me. The once concert t-shirt-and-Doc-Marten-boots-wearing, chain-smoking, mosh-pit loving boy is now a J.Crew-wearing, smoke-free, stay-home-on-Saturday-nights-and-watch-tv proud papa. At least we're growing old and lame together, honey :)

5 comments:

Zephra said...

Thanks...I loved that!

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Cityslicker Mom said...

I totally feel ya on this-I don't think of myself as a "woman" either...

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jj said...

boy oh boy does that hit a little too close to home!

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Brian & Becca Davis said...

As someone who's known you on both ends of the spectrum, you're still the same person (minus the SUV of course :-). Just making different priorities as you live your life. As long as you're happy, there's nothing wrong with that.

Why do you think the wiffer and I abandoned the real world before having the younguns?

Brian

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atpanda said...

Awe... See I'm still in the girl stage and its good to read that there's life -GOOD life- after kids. We're at the age where people are constantly asking us when we're going to start a family. Its good to read about you and yours.

Thanks for visiting me today!

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